We’re Not Available All The Time, And That’s Okay.
I went through experiences in my life that I can tell that even if they were with different people, or I went through it differently, there is a pattern with all of them. I cannot deny it any longer too. Which I’ve tried a couple of times, that it might be different, but altogether they are absolutely the same.
To give you a short story, I was dating someone that lasted for a year or so before it broke down.
We separated from unable to meet each other’s conditions and not being able to make the ends meet with it. It wasn’t the best time for me, because it was when we still wanted to try to make it work. We were trying to develop a common ground and we were even in progress to better communication and meeting a compromise. But, we started going in circles and we weren’t able to meet at the end of it.
Heartbreaks are the worst experience you can through. But everyone does experience that once a while, do we? Overall, I felt like a weight was lifted on my shoulder when I finally drew a line. Even if I wanted to come back and keep trying until it works, the other party just wanted to stay friends. It hurt back then, thinking there would be a chance, but now I realize it was the best decision I’ve made.
It piqued my interest, in why I feel like I was free from it.
At first, I’d cry about it. Or go to a self-pity party mode, of what did I not do to be enough for someone? Or how I was unworthy in the first place to be treated. Which is a normal response to a breakup. But, being outside of the situation made me realize that I was trying too much, or overcompensating without expressing what my actual needs are. Giving them too much of my space, or time.
Realizing, that I’m making myself too available to things that don’t really put me on the same pedestal.
Let’s take it from a different angle. This situation happened on a simple busy day when we were working on submitting our dissertation paper to my professor. I decided to delete my apps on the phone and commit my time to finish.
While I was at the library with my colleagues, my other classmates in class walked in and asked me where I had been. I was surprised because we were all trying to meet the same deadline. The tasks do not differ, but I had to know why they needed me.
She told me about how I wasn’t online and kept on contacting me whether there are more guidelines to know about the submission. She didn’t know my number, so, the only thing that she resorted was my private messages on Facebook.
It wasn’t a big deal. But I felt guilty for a while for not being able to be available to people when they need me.
Although, I have realized that being available to other people doesn’t mean they’d also be available for you. Simple said than done. But, you know, after dating, it hit me hard enough that it made me take a step back to where I dedicate my time, my thoughts, and my existence to.
It was a simple notification that feels as if I need to open it. Or when someone texts me, there is an urge to reply immediately. Even if I put my phone on silent, or place myself in offline mode. I still feel as if I’m not giving enough, or being present enough to people that need me.
What else? Getting nervous whenever I am anticipating an email from someone important, or my bosses. More so, whenever I encounter circumstances and my curiosity pushes me to know more.
It got me thinking. That is solely rooting to being a people pleaser.
Surprisingly, I tend to project to people that they have their own willpower, without realizing that I do too. That whatever I tell people about my circumstances, I do too, have the power to overcome, and change them. With me, and by me. That there is a part of me that can take a step out of the loop of my own tendencies.
Going back, I did have a lot of time dedicated to what we are, and how we can work it out. Unfortunately, I started to lose the sense of what I wanted to do, or what my purpose is as an individual. Even if I did know that I was changing for the better during that time. I was getting a lot of opportunities and took a lot of side gigs that I hold into nowadays as my stronghold. Where it gave me a perspective to chase on things that I didn’t know were possible.
But, there was something missing that I’m now working to bring back. Air Supply was right, you can be lost in love. But, it isn’t supposed to be like what happened to me on our connection. It made me feel like, there has to change not just with the other person, but with me too. And that’s by having enough time to treat yourself, like how you treat yourself with kindness.
Nonetheless, I’m thankful for what I’ve decided on doing. Because I never want to go back to that state ever again.
The curiosity grew bigger when I finally gained more alone time than I used to. Coincidentally, it’s one thing that I’ve always craved since, and I’ve worked on through the years of my depression, college, and growing up to now.
I remember writing that on the back of a ticket for a musical about where I can get solitude. As if that was so easy to get from a vending machine. How bizarre it is too, that my 17-year-old self would be able to say that word. Even hold it as if it was my lifeline. But I didn’t know that it would still be a question I’m trying to answer till now.
Perhaps, with more wisdom that comes with the experiences that I went through, I will be able to answer it vaguely. It’s still a work in progress.
It was also my reasoning too. That, when I’m available, it keeps me open to the opportunities that will come in my life. It was my preset, from not taking opportunities when I was a kid to being introverted.
But what I didn’t know is, if I keep myself open, people that only want to be in my life for my energy will exist.
It is inevitable and done unconsciously that you won’t even notice yourself doing it. It is such a wonder when I saw that quote on Twitter recently. That oftentimes, people are only in your life not because they value you, but because they want what you have. And once they’ve had it, they’ll leave it as it is without reciprocating. I’m not discrediting every single friend I’ve had, I have now, and will have. But it’s an unspoken truth that people can’t pinpoint because of how easy it is to sweep into someone’s life.
I’m not trying to pin people down for what they did to me. But it’s the nature of humans to use one another for one another’s benefit. There will be no one that will be able to meet everything you need, and that’s a good lesson to take with it. That there will be more people that can do that, and there will be people who will never try. At this moment, I wonder if I’m being numb or just learning that life is not what they promised when I was a kid. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine. But, you can do something about it to at least try.
Was I trying to see where I went wrong?
Of course. I also did that to a lot of people. I’m not perfect. Everyday I try to weigh on my options on whether I’m just trying to revolve around their life or I am valuable enough to stay.
Did that stop me from loving?
No. Again, life is not what our childhood fantasies are. It’s more mundance that we thought. But, does that place us to hinder ourselves? No.
This is not a post about how we should be apathetic. I am here to tell you to do the opposite. Because altogether, we’re bound with compassion with one another and have the capability to love without any exchange. This also gives us an opportunity to grow and outgrow things. As we continue on loving, we create a ripple effect of the actions we do no matter action we show. Whatever the reason is, it can build our character to whether we still continue to chase life and its guaranteed lessons, and experiences.
Because by not loving others, even ourselves, we hinder our growth.
I started with small habits. Perhaps, it was also why most break-ups in movies do have a redemption arc of the heartbroken. Like in my favorite movie, Eat, Pray, Love.
I found myself not trying to browse through social media websites recently. Making myself a routine outside of the screen, and taking time to refine my skills in painting, studying a language, or spending more time with my family since we’re still on lockdown. I saw it as a chance to go within myself and not answer any notifications beyond the time I’m available during the day. My body now tries to rest more after a productive streak, and listening to what I need is my priority as of the moment.
It’s inevitable that I have to prioritize other things in my life. Like money, my family, work, friends. But, after all, who’s got me asides from God’s guidance? Me to work on it.
I believe that we are all given free will to do everything we can, and develop as people by building our character through the experiences we are given.
And that for me is the most beautiful thing as a human. That I can outgrow, come back to the things that feel like me authentically, and start to reserve more time and resources for the things I want to develop.
I still have some remnants of my old self, and I continue to work on it every day. But, I know that we carry out the past on our present, and what we do about it reflects our future.
So, I’m not letting myself beat myself around the bush anymore. I’ve also got a life to build, and time is precious as you get older. Right now, I try to take it slowly but surely. ’Cause, it’s not a social media detox any longer. But knowing that, my energy, time, and myself are my lifelines for a better self.
