To-Do List For Myself.
I’ve always opposed scheduling things back when I was a teenager. Apart from the crippling depression that has gradually developed, I knew that from any moment things could change by one decision, word, or action. Leading me to be careful whether to plans things is something that is on my lane. Probably because growing, everyone has a plan for me.
Without me knowing that eventually, I’ll have to set my sail alone despite everyone around me.
I never wore a clock out of habit, even during my school days my mother would always want me to wear one. I only clung to two of those clocks that either held a sentimental value (example, when my father gave me one as a gift), or the functionality (my aunt gave me once when I was in middle school, where it stops whenever it’s too cold on doesn’t feel a pulse).
I felt constrained to keep on relying on a time limit, wherein you only have a particular time to do something in your life.
Although, I knew it far off that it wasn’t linear.
If I was having fun with my friends at the mall and kidding around the side of the road, or singing at 10 PM with my best friend while fueled with caffeine makes it shorter. And whenever I was in class, for a couple of hours. Or in a meeting, I keep checking the wall clock when will it be over. Everyone can resonate with that, yes?
They say that doing bungee jumping slows the time you have alive on Earth. Or something with regards to extreme sports. Which I’ve always wanted, yet due to my excuses and health conditions, I’ve found a way to compensate for that. I internalize every sensation I feel especially when I’m listening to music.
Treading lightly to every lyric that I can hear and resonate. Remember the cords, beats, and rhythm whenever it’s on repeat. Focusing on the most pleasurable tone of voice, and the emotion it portrays. That’s just me, and I seem to enjoy that to let my time pass as long as I want it to be. Because it’s the only time my time can be tweaked on how many minutes the songs would be, or how many times I can replay it.
The question lies in: don’t we all want a little bit more time for everything? To tick all the boxes from our to-do list?
Not too long ago in my university days, I saw this diagram about sacrificing something in order to dedicate yourself to a more important matter. For my instance that time, my time for friends, social life, and personal needs for studying.
I unconsciously neglected my mental and physical health for the goal I was aiming for. Stopping from physical exercises, canceling plans from my close friends, and waking up the next day facing my laptop in order to work on our bachelor’s paper.
It was perceived by people as me being fast and efficient in working. It was quite prideful, for someone who wants to aim for the goal or excel on something I’ve dedicated my time. It was commendable, and people can see through their lenses that I’m unstoppable and persevere. Yet, at what costs did it really have to put me on the edge of not wanting to live anymore? And the real reason why am I fast is that all I want it is to be over?
It wasn’t the best time of my life.
After being able to recover from it, I knew that there are some things that have to change in me. Especially when I used to give a lot of time to other people, not minding if it’s 2 AM and they need consolidation. Not that I don’t like hearing from there anymore, I only knew that maybe I also need to save my time and tending the things I have been ignoring.
Just because I overcame my breakdowns in university, doesn’t mean they are over. Attributing it to a lot of expectations placed on my head of how time is essential to get going. They say that time heals all wounds, and in order for that to happen, you’ve got to do something about it.
So, I’ve pushed myself to finally make a to-do list of the things I do in a day. Based on how important and not are they. It’s also a way to keep a routine in the midst of unprecedented times. For the first few weeks, being able to tick check on one of them is amazing, and fulfilling them was satisfying. Being able to dedicate time for something and being able to have a clearer mindset to look forward to tomorrow’s task or activities were motivating.
It helped me cope with what I can control and not. Because time can be our friend, sometimes.
But after that, what else should I do for a day? I’ve become way too reliant on it that I let myself pass time into something and feel guilty about it ’cause it’s not on the list. I’ve removed and added a few things that were practical for my situation. It wasn’t enough.
Recently, I’ve watched the movie Eat, Pray, and Love (2010) in the midst of a pause with someone I care about. I was crying, and resonating with what she was feeling when she had to finally decide that she’ll be taking trips to places she thinks she’ll be able to find herself again. She was lost inside and out and had no flair in life. And on the back of her head, that if it all fails, she doesn't know what to do anymore.
Throughout the movie, which I watched for two parts, days after the pause, and after coming back in piece with that person. It was a good way for me to internalize it in a better mindset after that fallout.
Nonetheless, I realized that she didn’t run away. She was finding a way to live again, and that meant losing everything that you’ve held for so long in order to control your life.
That includes time, even if it wasn’t really mentioned or what you’ll eventually learn in the movie. Because she made a choice to make time for it.
She eventually picked up all the pieces she had learned from everyone that she has interacted with, and integrate it for a better perspective of herself. By forgiving yourself to your self-sabotaging tendencies over what happened to you whether that’s personal or not. By that, you’ll be filled in with the one you’re looking for, and even more of what you’ve expected. Time heals all wounds, don’t they? As long as you put your work into it.
Like what one of the supporting actors said “Send some light and love when you think of it, and drop it.” It doesn’t have to speak with the despair of losing someone. Because no, I didn’t, but I do have tendencies to hold onto something way too tightly, especially on my emotions.
Perhaps, the dropping it was necessary for me to hear for the course of the week. Especially with the lingering fears that I have in mind. That maybe I can remind myself to let it all go bit by bit. Because healing is not linear and letting go of the thoughts that have poisoned you for a long time from trauma takes step by step to recover from.
I’m trying. Thinking that I can let it go, even if I haven’t yet is a learning experience that will lead me to do that. One day, one day. I tell myself.
What made me think to drop off all the expectations I have in my head is how I started doing more to-do lists not because they are practical, but also for my sanity. So for example, if I can’t do anything about it, I have to stay on my lane and drop off the thought. Easier said than done, and learning it the hard way made me wonder where exactly I’m headed. Where there are more important agendas for me to mind, and to contemplate. Like my aspirations, and my time to finally write something valuable.
Here are the things I’ve placed on my to-do list starting from that realization:
- Have time on my own, or do something on my own.
- Take a walk
- Work stuff
- Meditation and Yoga
- Nurture my faith
- Have better conversations.
I’ve learned that codependency on time, and the expectations of what you think is your idea of what’s bound to happen, is not healthy. Especially on a lot of people, who think the timing should be right. Not that I’m not influencing you to be reckless, because oftentimes, time is your enemy.
Like I said firsthand, anything can change in a split second. Therefore, in order to indulge in living, we’ll always have to be surprised by what’s going to happen next.
Not that we should keep waiting, but chasing to live, and letting time speak for itself is the most beautiful way to do it.
For now, being in quarantine, it’s hard to soul search at home. I’ve been planning to take on a solo retreat for myself when things are easier. Chase on the things I want to do in my life as part of my prolonged deliberation and letting go of the fear of failure. Letting my mind retake the steps it took before, not knowing I’d have to recall what my life was during the times I didn’t mind the time at all.
Time’s my best friend and the worst enemy now.
I’m still trying to find ways to live my life being alive, enjoying every bit of second, the laughs, the cries, breathing in and out, and conversations I’ve had with a lot of people recently. After all, having a to-do list to prioritize me is now my no. 1 agenda.
It’s easy to start, but every day, I try to make the choice to reconsider myself. That I’m my own priority, and what’s best for me is what is the most important.
