Steppin’ Out: A Decade In Review
Where do we begin? There are a lot of things that happened to me that I have published enough articles about whatever really. Either way, it will always be an honor to always give way to things I can’t explain point-blank during storytime with friends or peers in general. In my opinion, there isn’t anything that I have to explain anymore from its abundance.
Sometimes I’d like to think that there are a lot of people reading my content even if it isn’t. Nonetheless, I’ll always keep in my mind that I’m not doing this for fame whatsoever, but to be able to express my perspectives towards things I care for.
Although, this year left me bewildered on many levels that I became overwhelmed by trying to sum it all up. Perhaps it was like 2016, that I have absolute contempt for without looking on the bright side. The frustration arose these past few weeks, of how many things I have to absorb in order to make myself kept on the fast-paced world we all live in.
Even more of summarizing my decade in general. Let’s get into it, piece by piece.
Honestly, I have lost my spark and got it back. The cycle goes on, which gives a proper way to start where I’m pointing out about this decade. Not because of my mental health descending, which I can patch in a lot of ways during the earlier 10s but the priorities that are far more imperative than my passion approaching the latter.
This year specifically gave in to that department. And made me think of what would happen if I just stop posting and focus on the pertinent mediocrity that’s coming for me as an adult?
Kidding. I’ll elaborate.
I can’t blame life itself, because it was already my decision to prioritize what must be done to get it in order. My subordinates sometimes do idolize me for being at this level, and yet I can’t really say that I’m supposed to be gratified by it at all. Nothing can compare it to the processes that I always tell them to endure and indulge once in a while.
It felt drastic, at least, shifts of routines from being an average student who has a respite that turns into escapism from responsibilities to a professional who doesn’t know exactly what she was doing while watching a game from an international sports event.
Looking beside the frame of the entitlement given to my identity, it feels surreal, and yet they are experiences that will benefit me better to greater pastures ahead I’m excited to see.
Yet, from such purpose I have gained, there’s this identity of mine that cries for help to unleash. The adaptability has disabled some sort of the gateway to my creativity, therefore all I can speak about is how vivid my thoughts can be through words. It isn’t a sacrifice they say if it was a point of devotion towards one’s journey.
Unfortunately, the nostalgia of the songs I use to draw inspiration from makes me want to take that back. Since my pragmatic mind used to be just a way to adapt to the ever-changing situations in my life, and seeing things objectively as possible. Now, it’s fighting back on my candlelight lamp on my table, full of written writings, ready to topple it down and burn.
It has been a part of me that I always hope that it will never dwindle since even if I’m doing this not on a regular basis, my fictitious ventures have grown astray. They have given up to the stronghold of my expressions as metaphors felt as vain as it shouldn’t. And yet, there is still a slight spark that in the next decade, I will be able to finally finish them and showcase them to everyone who is in need of enlightenment of mind.
Being in the middle of the ocean of the raging storm being swallowed by the violent currents while shouting for help, kind of what I’d like to picture myself, if we were to describe the depletion of my expressiveness over practicality and analysis. The room for unfamiliarity grew inside the four walls of my dimension to a giant supernova of thought processes.
My friend once stated once she knew ths was, if she entered my mind, she would get lost.
People perceive me as someone who’s got her own life together as they also mentioned but aren’t we all just pressing buttons we never really know the function for? As an adult that must be the only way to survive: is to try.
If the past decade has shaped me physically and mentally when it comes to the world, this one shaped me wholeheartedly to be a person that I really anticipated, becoming a definition to another. Through experiences of different genres of music if we were to describe my emotions, personality, and experiences meshing all together towards being who I am.
We’re adaptable to situations we are meant to be in, which gives me the right to defy some people that tell me that I have to be labeled either way. If gender is fluid, so forth my persona: Undefined, and ready for change.
I wasn’t able to even picture what I am by the time the 10s are already over. Perhaps because I was only 12, I thought that was it. Not because I was sad but that was already the pinnacle of my life from my classmate who kept bragging about his one year gap with us.
My excitement on getting older left me wondering why I even dedicated myself to forming that adult self my older friends have become if I have a canvas of my own to paint.
Most likely, it was a way that people do so much they forget that you can do whatever you want in order to improve yourself or let loose of expectations from people.
It was mostly my awareness by that time that a lot of things tend to be unpredictable whatever you want the outcome shall be. There are a lot of people that place a lot of expectations towards one another and whenever they aren’t met, they are outraged by such.
We are all aware that the society we live in has standards to live by, laws to abide and regulations to follow. Even so with such, that doesn’t have to necessarily define what we are in need to expect.
As I grew older, it corresponded to my own spiritual journey of no matter how comfortable we are in the situation, we will be moved from intolerability. I will always tell people that we are sailing our boats not facing where we are going, whether that’s a calm river or a raging riptide. No matter how fast or slow we paddle, we cannot turn our heads and predict whether you’ll drop in a waterfall or be swallowed by the sea.
Nobody knows.
All I can say is, it’s not just about the growth, it’s about the process as I said early on. Of being able to endure and indulge, whether that’s good or bad, being down in the valley or the top of the mountain. Whatever you believe in, life will give us what we can’t understand to be able to recognize that we aren’t done yet.
As long as we keep on seeing the light in every situation, we’re in it for the resolution or lessons it will unravel. From these circumstances, it made me also know that life isn’t just moving on to the next, to internalize the situations that we dwell on.
Grasp it wholely, letting the emotions flow down our eyes and never let it be filtered to your unconsciousness. For that, it will devour your worth, self-esteem and essence.
It has begun, the time where most people are now more passionate about their emotions that in our social networking accounts are we able to speak what’s on our mind. It has helped us to know that we aren’t alone in this fight of life. That people have their own thought processes and their opinions matter too in the long run of an argument, even if some people use it as a way to condemn from their disagreement.
We have to let it happen, the denial, grieving, forcing through walls we aren’t able to demolish and anger, in order to realize that we are only but human. We are meant to hear these things for us to learn that it isn’t just us who’s thinking straight or the opposite.
Being the great skeptic of all, it’s a way for us to ignite our bits of knowledge and make people learn for maybe our mistakes and theirs too by weighing the facts and points taken. It’s part of acknowledging your part and accepting the responsibilities of your action, especially when not right.
People reject such scrutiny and avoid the self-actualization of wrongdoings that they tend to go overboard about being the victim of their own insecurity. After all, we can be still wrong in things we have thought for a long time that we are right.
It’s not that easy for a human, but we can try.
For me, during the early 2010s, I thought experience is only for those people who love to travel out of town. More so, those who are going to concerts and that involves some type of bragging rights when it comes to peers.
But for me, as someone who’s driven intuitively, experiencing emotions I have never felt before, physical aspects that may tear down my body perceptions and even mentally speaking while studying the whole day has pushed me forward into knowing what my capacities are. And by that, utilize to a renewed essence of my identity.
I still want to experience things in my life like living alone in a country I desire, seek discomfort to realize my comforts are only but a privilege that I should be thankful for than take it for granted, go through trouble of not knowing where to go and finding a hidden treasure from such, help others who aren’t expecting it from me, and know what it feels like to be in this status or any type of outside my comfort zone.
But, I’m glad to know myself better in the process of things, for that way means growth.
My mother a few weeks ago told me of how she dreamed about my father driving us back home to the expressway and saw his sisters who were also in need to past the tollgate. I was a younger version of myself and my mother was from an operation that she wasn’t able to walk or move a bit. We were left at the tollgate and they drove away and as we were unable to get past, and from my hunger, we were only able to eat what was left in the car. Even with such a struggle. Until my mother saw her sister and some people who helped us reach a fast-food chain by walking to finally eat something.
She was crying afterward, thinking of what might have it meant and told me in the morning.
I’ve been teary-eyed of talking about my decade because by such I also have to give in to the bereavement of those we lost. That we might have expected them to be on our sides for the long run but, see, life is full of surprises.
I always think that there will always be a reason why it has occurred. And every day, there will always be a remembrance in my mind of how they are all watching from above seeing our lives getting back in order without them. Slowly, but surely. Even if, deep within our hearts we desire for them to be back.
Only then we seek their guidance for our decisions, and God to always tell them we love them so.
As repetitive as I can be, I will always tell that change is the only constant thing in the world. All are temporary, but this isn’t coming from my old nihilist self. But from my faithful spiritual self now that has emerged this year. I mean, for real, from my experiences that I went into whether that’s love, career, job seeking or even friendships and connections longed and lost along the away, my faith has held through to become who I am now.
That even so unworthy and unrighteous of my past, I have a friend and a Father who is leading me to greater heights, whether how steep or slippery the way is.
For as long as I’m serving His purpose, thus shall suffice.
And those who have remained by your side through thick and thin are the ones who you should cherish for a lifetime. Whether that’s just a onetime thing or for a longer period.
Acknowledge them, for life is for living as a Coldplay song would say. We are all just here helping one another survive this thing. Glad we did.
Thank you, everyone, for always being supportive of my content, I’m excited about what has the next decade of my life will unveil through my eyes. I may not be ready for it, but sure am I’m excited. (How ironic, isn’t?)
Miss E.
P.S, here’s a playlist for you to listen about my 2019. It’s been wild, guys.
