I’m Too Overwhelmed To Explain: A Long-Titled Essay About My Internship
A 10-month struggle of repetition and learning.
For starters, I couldn’t believe for the fact that I’ll be able to sit back on my bed on a weekend with my computer on wondering on what else should I even consider or what’s stopping me onto writing about my experience. Ever since the month of April last year, I have wondered: what will I garner in all of this cycle of waking up in the morning? Meet patients to be treated and have the mental capacity to justify the means on my academic knowledge towards what’s being applied? Interacting with different people with different learning skills, and ways of learning that doesn’t match mine? Tolerate opinions of people that can be beneficial or harmful for a minority? Or everything else that comes in the table?
Too deep for you? I, officially proclaim, myself overwhelmed by how it actually worked.
Or how it works, and why does it seem to take effect on students like me. Meaning, I’m aware. But I’m overly aware that the tidal wave just slammed to my door, ready to take me away from its current.
Alright, let’s get to the point. People would ask me a couple of times about what I have been doing exactly. Especially the people I have recently met online and offline on what actually goes on in our internship. Or some might even say it’s like being in the on the job training. Thing is, the difference between the two, is not necessarily clear because for my experience during the past 10 months? It’s a little bit of both.
Venturing over the experience of exhaustion over a piece of paperwork over a damp of cloth repetitively squeezed even if dry. You know for sure, you already washed the damn cloth but… it still ran dry. Maybe it was way too absorbent, or just not cloth enough. Is my point getting across?
’Cause apparently I’ll be running on metaphors with all of this entirety until it’s done.
It’s because… my internship involved a lot of applications of what I have studied for the past 4 years in 10 different settings. Same approach, different perspective. Especially the month where I became more aware of what exactly prioritizing is. And months before that, I stated on my Twitter about how do people make sacrifices from their own desires and wants… which I apparently afterwards, ate my words, having my own dose of sacrifice.
It did sound cruel when people were introducing me to the fact that there would be things I would miss in partaking especially being under the internship program:
- Missing a lot of trips with my friends that could’ve been me there spending time with them, which I cannot blame myself anymore.
- Updates on what I keep track of like comics… or even the fandom I was in for a couple of months of coping on loss; and
- My alone time.
For a few years, I have closed myself to only a few people which I trust fully (and still do) about my life. Updating them from time to time what I’m feeling, and listening back at them. Learning about them made friendships with me a little bit difficult, yet I shall say, profound? I meant… it was special and real personal. Like treasures to keep and never let go.
As well as, it was also the time when I started to able to identify myself. Tried struggling over the impression of being misunderstood to being demanding at some point… but developing a better version of me than before. It took me a lot of time to even accept people around me, and that for the fact that I’m actually just anyone else, trying to find her place in the world.
Yet, I cannot say that internship really changed me regarding the way I interact with people. But now, I’m able to communicate in a manner that fits on the situation, and mingle with people with common interest and difference of sorts, although that’s another topic for another time. It’s not supposed to placed as you cannot bring yourself at work. It can be applicable… but there are certain boundaries that can be done to still be you, in a environment of repetition and uh… little time of socialization.
It did still involve a lot, not much of the intriguing stuff worth of gossip people really desire if you’re expecting. Likewise, having a love interest and suddenly turning cold, argued with a colleague and so forth about the issues involving personal vendettas. Not much of my interaction involved that in mine.
Because that’s the drama Grey’s Anatomy portrayed but never even valued specificity and ethics and… let’s be real. It’s just a show.
The real social interaction you would be having almost everyday, is to sit down with a real professional whom you desire to be in a couple of months to a year and be criticized over your wonderful innuendos and inaccurate successions.
I gotta admit, I cried even in a smear of mistake.
There could’ve been a drastic reason on why did the tears flow down my face. Yet, coming from a person who always need to be reassured over my actions, it felt intimidating. Few months of adjustments went on and filtering everything that’s been thrown at me. The usual scenario would be: my mind could’ve come up with the answer itself yet it remained silent from my feebleness. Especially, from the time when my work felt like complete but it is actually a void that’s waiting to devour you any second a red line, circle or scribble has been placed.
Now to think about it, it must’ve been my coping mechanism to not hurt myself.
Criticism, possibly constructive is actually not that much hard to find. It’s just… sometimes we’re hindered by our own egos. For not being accepting over our faults, or sins, and justify them as much as we can. Yet, when we get caught red handed… we’re just pieces of dust away of being blown by a breath out. We have to accept that there are things we can’t be right about by an ounce of evidence enough to justify it or leave it as it is.
That… we cannot please everyone in only one way. Or we cannot be tamed by just our own comforts. It taught me, on what exactly are they trying to say. And even though everyone has their own way to put it they just want to say: we’re doing this, because you’ll need it next time.
And that next time? Maybe or so I’m sure… is the way we’re going at least to be an improved version of ourselves with the learning they have turned in to us to the future… generation of patients and clients. Or people who will begin to trust us as we begin to give up our strings and let our wings soar. (Euh, that sounded cheesy.)
It’s not just about the experience you get from the internship, it’s with the interactions you have made with your patients. From the relationship you’ve built in such a short span of time to fruitful intervention that helped them by just what you’ve done. They say that, the profession not only heeds the technicality of given treatments for their sake… but as well as the motivation they need to achieve their desire to reach from being in a plinth with you.
Maybe that’s why kids when asked why do you want to be a doctor? And they’d reply: I want to help people is actually attainable. From their witnessing progress or even a little bit of amount of hope sparkled on their eye. Because little by little, the encouragement comes from within. And it’s also up to us to help people onto getting them into visualizing that for themselves. That impossible, is possible.
From this, we can gain gratification and be blinded by the credit we shouldn’t receive all at once. It’s not just me, but it’s their doctors and the people supervising us to administer them who only wants what’s best for them. All that aside, being part of someone’s life to help them is already fulfilling. It’s kind of selfish as some perspective says, and yet we continue to thrive as people building blocks to a goal.
After all, it became fulfilling. That… even so, there would be times that I would think of when will it end from repetitively rotating the ultrasound head… maybe this is how they describe loving what you do. That at the end of the day, you get to have that satisfaction about how you’re doing is beneficial to others… and to yourself.
In myself? In what way? Scroll up and read again.
I would like to acknowledge each and everyone of the people who has helped me reach the end of the line. For it isn’t just the end of the line, it’s the training I need for the track I’m about to face. And to all who have given me support, especially emotionally into coping such as: alcoholic support, food support, and the ones up there watching me. Guiding me always to what our guts feels right, and stay less guilty from our committed mistakes and unforeseeable rights.
I’m deeply grateful for your existence, as I pave my way towards reality.
Here’s a good song to listen to today:
PT INTERN 2019.