2023: The Fly Out.
What was the year for me? It was a lot of changes.
The people who just met me this year do not know that this is a drill I do. It is mixed with many circumstances in my life that social withdrawal is sometimes necessary. So, if you have the patience to read through, welcome to my annual end-of-the-year blog.
Going back, I remember some of my peers, and students would say that I should write more of what I feel, and others addressed that they do not read and just skim through. It left a mark on me, and therefore, a writer’s block commenced until this very last day of November. I did let the voices in my head get to me, therefore I apologize for that.
Sincerely, I miss being able to express matters to everyone who can read my pieces. Writing has always been an avenue for my misunderstood self up to this day. I had improved, because the words now make sense, and I do not need to make the words too deep for everyone to just get confused. They sound more like I’m speaking to you directly as if we’re face to face.
Alas, we’re all meeting in person again after a while, and even if there is still so much scare internally, I’m just glad everyone can move around again.
The COVID-19 pandemic indeed changed the course of many people’s lives.
The past three years had decapitated me socially, and somehow, a day out or field trip in our class for two hours is dragging sometimes.
I do enjoy the trips entirely, it is just, that they also land in my lunchtime routine, and that is why it may seem as if I suddenly have no energy after so much information and activities being done. As the temperatures continue to drop, my time inside my new room increases, especially being in a new city. It’s time to reflect and get back to doing what I do best: write.
Did I already tell you that I am in a new country to study?
Yeah, that may seem to be an obvious trajectory, especially in the first few months of the year not updating so much about myself. Impatience overruled me, and the heat that did not help with creative expression or inspiration.
The next half of my year was unpredictable as always, and scary at the same time. Yet, it was exciting, because I always had been self-sabotaging myself, that as long as I dream about them and go wild, it will not always come true.
I was always scared of admitting of my maladaptive daydreaming tendencies, but it also became a tool to make things into fruition.
As this is the case, taking things to reality has been an overwhelming experience. Yeah, sure, people will always say “You’re exaggerating”, or “You’re overemphasizing something”, but as this is my experience, no one can invalidate how life-changing it is for me. A girl? Moving to a new city? Away from her comfort zone? Scary stuff.
Many people worried about my well-being, especially friends from overseas who had done their own journeys and have already settled.
One of them said, “I am excited for you, sure, and at the same time, worried. Let me know what happens”
Being sheltered for such a long time, without much experience of living on her own, is taunting and liberating at the same time. It was the conversation that surfaced with all of those who knew the steps in the way. They had every right because they could never ask me out within 10 kilometers without chaperones or constant supervision. But being a thousand miles away?
It was an idea we all had to wrap around myself, even with my mother who was simply the most supportive of all.
My story is not unique though, but somehow, I have opened up about it to my newly found friends here that I’ve always wanted to move out. As a kid, I always had a dream to be in a different place, as if it was calling me. What made the passion more intriguing was when my friends started moving out themselves, as if it were easy. It broke my heart many times, because, what is wrong with where I am, and why do I feel, out of place?
Where do I belong?
I always acted differently and sounded as if I always had the grip of language when I spoke English or the way my principles were shaped. I only held a few from fighting for what is right, to caring for my family members that love me for who I am.
It’s a Filipino thing, that probably the former most people have forgotten.
Still, from that perspective, something was missing in me that I had to seek out elsewhere rather than being stuck in a routine. It was also my way of telling my mother that I was getting older and that there was something in me that I needed to know on my own. Not just knowing who I am, but also, knowing where I fit. Not being able to do anything made me resentful and angry at the world. My explosive behaviors were in the end, because I was insecure and frustrated at myself.
Or maybe I have an undiagnosed personality disorder that my significant other and I kind of… agree on.
Not that everyone made me feel left out, but I followed a path that some of my closest friends could because they found where they belonged. Some stayed in my hometown, and others went and haven’t been back ever since, because they realized their potential elsewhere. In its entirety, I wanted to know, if I will continue to be the latter ever since I left that place in high school.
I am aware that everywhere I go, the people that I meet, and the places I have been shape me to be who I am. I am a culmination of everywhere and everyone around me. Meanwhile, the inspiration never faltered, and now, I’m happy to tell my readers how the change happened.
My significant other told me a few weeks ago, that I seem happier in the photos. I smiled more, and I sounded calmer. My aunts would tell my mother how I was talkative and expressive of what I thought. Again, I am expressive, but many people thought I was infuriated in the world. Now, many people think I can move crowds, and think that I am capable of so much more with what I’ve got right now.
It must be the societal limitations I had, or it must be that I had overgrown many gardens that I continued to tend until I finally could start my roots again in a new land.
It is true, that I am far away from what I dream about my life here, and I still doubt a lot if this is the place to be. Place To Be by Nick Drake, listen to it, it was recommended by one of my old penpals and it is good.
But, it is also the fact that things are looking up for my mental well-being. Maybe it is a gift of being 26, but, I’ll take any good days I can get.
So, if anything, I’ll leave you a couple of things that I learned.
First, I am on my own now! I have family around sure, but the comfort of home will continue to linger until I fly back. Although, I am afraid that I will never feel like home ever again until then. It is alright, because, somehow, this means, I can see where I will feel that again.
Second is that, I can create my own life, and that comes with all of the recklessness that might affect my future in the long run. This is the taunting part, and scary because I will be a few purchases away of bad results. Therefore, I have to put on my adult pants now and keep them worn.
Third was, that whatever it takes, there is time for everything. As someone who has Christian roots, Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1 to 8, remains a life lesson that will always carry me through this day. I had never been the type who gets lucky for many things. Maybe here and there I get something out of chance, but anything that I achieve had to be due to the process rather than its result.
Such a process may take a while, as many things do, but once the doors open, it is all worth the sweat.
Last but not the least, this year made me realize that there is no age limit on when you can start over. To start from scratch, to go back to the drawing board, and realize that there is no linear path in life. I can change all the time, as long as I’m happy about it, it is a constant motion that I will let my life go through.
Have a wonderful end of the year, and hope 2024 will be much more for all of us.
With great love,
Miss E.
Don’t know where I’m going
Gonna see the world
Gonna be somebody…
Don’t know where I’m going
I’m just steppin’ out
I’m steppin’ out
I’m steppin’ out
